Saturday, March 17, 2007


Happy St. Patty's Day all. Ordinarily, I would write something like "Happy St. Paddles Day", but that's still not in the cards right now.

The strange energy continues around here for Kim and me, though it has gotten somewhat better. While I won't go into a lot of detail, we figured out the source of most of it.

Kim has a very deep connection with her younger sister, and both had had the other on the brain for the past several weeks. As it turns out, Kim's sister called with unhappy medical news regarding herself and Kim's young nephew. Events that will probably required Kim to be away for a couple of weeks in the near future to help her sister.

To top things off, Kim has been suffering from a stomach bug since last night. It's either that, or my cooking from last night, I haven't decided

Through it all, we have both kept a stiff upper lip and tried to deal as best we can with things. It is difficult though...for both of us. Kim feels bad...she feels as if she's letting me down. I am trying to be supportive and understanding, and not show frustration for it all.

I feel as if I have had to put my HOH stripes in the drawer for a while, not because I'm not HOH, or because Kim has stopped looking at me that way...I just feel that I can't control what is going on around us. Spanking Kim right now would topple things around us and just make things worse. At least that's what my instinctive "little voice" is telling me.

As I have stated in the past, LDD, spanking and the elements that go with it are a question of timing, energy and connection. Kim and I have lost two of those three elements for the moment. We still have an amazing, loving connection...thank God. Kim is my wife first, my submissive wife, second. I guess from the HOH view, support and understanding during such times is every bit as important as knowing when a spanking is called for.

Kim and I will keep you posted on how things are going.

Friday, March 9, 2007

When the HOH is having a bad day

Just like everyone that exists on this planet, I have a bad day. Bad energy, ill-feelings and upset with the world. It happens to everyone every now and then. The lesson though...don't take it out on your LDD mate. It's not fair and it's bad for the relationship at every level.

Let me tell you that my job can be stressful one, especially of late because of unusual circumstances. Two days ago the stress finally got to me. I came home with a big attitude, and not a good one. I wasn't mad at Kim, but she got the brunt of what was bothering me. Through the course of the evening, I learned two things. Even an HOH has to have a shoulder to cry on, and don't engage in a spanking if your energy isn't coming from the right, loving place. In other words, don't spank if you're the one that is pissed off about things OUTSIDE your home.

After a lengthy discussion and impending argument, including calling Kim "disrespectful" (I don't know where the hell that came from), I finally opened up and told Kim everything that was bothering me at work. Kim listened, gave me some guidance and things to think about and we had a very nice evening at long last.

It's important to note that even though my day at work was crappy, Kim and I had spent a good part of the day being flirty with each other on the internet. So, my energy was mixed up. I wanted to spank her and be with her because of our flirting, but MY energy was coming from a bad place. To be fair as HOH, I should have left all that work crap at the door at the end of the day, but I didn't and Kim took the brunt of my frustration. That is the exact opposite of how I see an HOH's position. YOU HAVE TO BE FAIR! Do not let outside influences affect your LDD relationship. Your significant other is there for you, as Kim is for me. If you need a shoulder, they are there for you. If you are having a bad day, tell them...they are there for you. HOH's are human too, after all. Get it off your chest, and then move on. In other words, stop being HOH for a little bit...vent, bitch, cry if you have to...but get rid of any outside crap.

I publicly apologize to my Kim. I should have told you the second I hit the door about my day, and what I was feeling. Thank you for understanding where everything was coming from after I opened up about it. I won't make the same mistake again.

I don't want to sound like I'm preaching here, but a LDD relationship has got to be based on what is happening at home, not from outside energy or influences. However, a HOH must show his heart and confide every now and then.

Sunday, March 4, 2007

Following through...and the reasons why.

Kim explained in her last entry what happened when she questioned my committment to our newfound LDD relationship, and the eventual outcome. But I want to explain my side as HOH, and my decision making process about the night it all happened.

While Kim and I are not unique to DD, we are somewhat unique in how we came to the decision to pursue this lifestyle, so the line we walk may a little different than others. Let me explain a little further.

It is important to remember that not only are we fairly new to LDD, we are also just getting back together as a couple too. Kim says that during our two months apart, God found his way inside me, or I found God...or both. If God is inside me now, I hope he's having a good But, I digress.

During that two months apart, I hit rock bottom. I had a 24 hour period where everything bad in me came out, in a good way. It was one of those defining moments in life that you wish had happened sooner. After that day, I became much more tolerant, more understanding and much, much less tempermental.

I used to deal with things knee jerk and off the cuff. It was easier back then to get mad and make a fool of myself by throwing a tempter tantrum. Now though, I am here on the other side of those fires a wiser, more considerate man. Two qualities that are essential for a HOH in a LDD relationship, if I understand everything that I have studied thus far. Which brings me to night that Kim wrote about in her last entry.

As Kim wrote, we had a nice evening together. Kim fixed a nice dinner while I worked on a big project concerning my job, we laughed, joked and flirted with each other which culmanated into an evening of mind-blowing love making. It was indeed a good of the best we had had up to that day since getting back together. But, things can turn on a dime.

As we were getting ready to go to sleep, Kim suddenly started to question my committment to our LDD relationship. It was a question that took me by surprise. We had come so far in such a short time, I didn't know exactly how to deal with it. Plus, I could tell that Kim's question was coming from shall we say a "hormonal place." Moreover, and not to make Kim feel bad, the way she posed the question hurt me to my soul and brought to tears to my eyes. It wasn't the fact that she asked the question, it was the WAY she asked it. We had both worked so hard for each other, how could this be happening? Immediately, I started to rewind everything in my head and tried to think about anything that I had done wrong to make her ask the question in the first place. I couldn't think of anything, which left me even more frustrated. But, as with many things in life, this required what I call the 24 hour rule. Think about it, sleep on it, think about it some more...then act. The way things were before, I was not going to have a knee jerk reaction and make things worse. Instead, I resolved to get a good nights sleep and think about things with a clearer mind the next day.

Kim did apologize twice after making the statement. Once before going to sleep that night, and then again when we were chatting on the internet while I was at work the next day. However, I woke up with the resolution that I could not just let this pass. I wasn't upset so much by the fact that Kim had asked the question...I was more upset by HOW she asked it. I kissed Kim on the forehead as she slept and left for work, knowing full well what I had to, what I NEEDED to do.

My intention to spank Kim at some point that day was not so much to show my committment to our LDD relationship, or to prove myself to Kim. THAT SPANKING WAS FOR ME TOO. But, before spanking her, I had to prove to myself that I had come that far. Far enough that I could be a strong, but fair HOH and take all elements of the issue into consideration. In other words, I had to find out if I could deal with this as the HOH and not as the old Steve. The Steve that would throw things, say awful things and alienate Kim to the point where we wouldn't talk to each other the next day...the way things used to be. He was a little man...not HOH material.

Yes, Kim did question my committment. Yes, it did upset me. Most importantly though, things happen for a reason. I passed a huge test. Not so much because I followed through with spanking Kim, but my restraint and giving myself time to think about things validated me as a HOH, not as much with Kim as it did with ME. Thankfully, it ended up doing both though.

Now, Kim doesn't question me and I don't question myself. Things indeed happen for a reason. From a personal standpoint, I crossed a threshhold in my of many in the past few months. Here are the bullet points that I have taken from everything...

I believe that something divine happened. Kim questioned my committment in a way that upset me and challenged me as HOH.

I took the time I needed to weigh things and think about all of it, and resolved things for BOTH of us by following through.

I took a huge step, not only as HOH, but as a man and a considerate human being.

If Kim is right, and God is inside me now...he helped guide me through all of it. He does, indeed, work in mysterious ways.

Monday, February 26, 2007

What if...

Let me preface this latest blog by showing a comment that was left on my last entry. My question was if I could enter into a non LDD relationship if something were to happen to Kim. Read on...

Now that you've discovered who you really are, could you honestly walk away if you had another relationship? I'm not suggesting that this is an easy topic to bring up. But would you be happy if you weren't the acknowledged HOH? we go again, making me think. :) It's a conspiracy I tell ya.

As I stated in my previous entry, it would difficult, if not impossible for me to enter into another romantic relationship with someone. While I am not awaiting my AARP card yet, I am staring 40 right in the face. With that said, I couldn't see myself getting into the social mainstream of dating...ewwww. Too many head games, too many pitfalls and way too many weirdos out there to contend with nowadays. However, I digress. The question was could I co-exist in a relationship without being "the acknowledged HOH?" Let's find out...

I tried to consider all of the many aspects to relationships and marriage. Who wears the pants? Who does what to make the household function? Money, sex, chemistry...I thought about it all, or at least tried to. What I came up with in my simple caveman mind may be looked on as a cop out to a certain extent. Bare in mind though, I have been in two failed marriages, dated very little as a teenager and was never really 'in love' until Kim...I never had that connection with someone until her, so my perspective may be much different.

I think it is generally accepted that man is the HOH in the majority of households, no matter if it is a LDD HOH or the typical 'he wears the pant' HOH. I grew up in a home where the dad went off to work, the mom stayed home and cooked, cleaned, bandaged scraped knees and elbows and tended to the bills. Not once did the question come up, "who runs the house?" Dad gave instruction and mom carried them out. It was the same way with my stepdad and my mom. He made the decisions. The problem with that scenario is that neither one of them gave my mom once ounce of direction, and worse never gave her any praise for the things she did. They just came to expect it. In my mind, it was somewhat like LDD without the love, praise and/or direction. My mother led a pretty lousy existence now that I think about it. There was no dynamic, no sad.

Now, here I am all grown up.(haha) Two failed marriages under my belt, and nearly a third before Kim and I embraced LDD fully. Now we have this energy...Kim refers to it as 'synergy', which I think fits us. Before LDD though, Kim and I had failed each other, just as we had failed in our past relationships. After a brief separation, we finally put the pieces together. If we had got back together and not engaged in a LDD relationship, there is no doubt in my mind that we would be right back on that same old dead end road of disappointment, heartache and resentment.

So, knowing what I know now...I can honestly say that there would have to be at least some elements of LDD in any relationship for me. Otherwise, history would repeat itself. I want to guide, I want to lead and I want her to surrender to me.

Understand, that this is very strange for me to talk about. I just glanced up at Kim, who is sitting at the other computer here in our home. She is the one that introduced me to LDD, she is the one that I love unconditionally, and she is the one that I would lay my life down for. She is MY GIRL. Trying to conjur up this 'other' person is making my blood run cold. As I stated in my last entry...I would end up spanking her BECAUSE she's not Kim.

Being the HOH gives me a greater sense of who I am. More importantly, it gives me a greater sense of who I can be...the potential to be greater than I am today. I owe that feeling to my Kim, I would not want to let her down. So, if there were to ever be this 'other' person, she would have to be willing to every bit the woman that Kim is...and that would be impossible. This 'other' person would end up hating me because I would end up spanking her out of resentment for who she is not. Have I mentioned how much I love my wife in any of these entries??? :)

I know I sound like a wishy-washy sap, but I'm with the perfect woman for me in a LDD relationship, and we are more in love with each other than ither of us thought possible. I can't imagine a 'dynamic' or 'synergy' like this with anyone else.

It would come down to a simple choice if something happened to Kim...stay single or try to convince this 'other' person the benefits of a LDD relationship. I would rather stay single if this 'other' person were to reject LDD and not acknowledge me as HOH. I know that sounds like my ego boiling over, but it would be damn near impossible for me to return to a life where a harmony like the one Kim and I have did not exist.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Meant to be, or not meant to be...that is the question

The one thing that Kim does that after a while really, REALLY makes me want to put her over my knee is making me think about very serious things. Not because I don't like thinking, but the condentations of the question chilled me to the bone.

A few days ago Kim asked me if I would pursue a LDD relationship in the event of her death. First, let me say for the record that if I were to lose Kim, I doubt very seriously if there would be another relationship for me...I'd have very little reason to live if she was not in my life. Plus, even if I were to pursue another romantic relationship, the only reason I would spank that woman would be because she IS NOT Kim...and that would be unfair. But, rather than just closing the door on the question and leaving it as stated above, I decided to cast my mind a little further and consider the WHAT IFS that Kim asked me about.

First, I believe that we are all brought together by the grace of God. Not by fate, not by timing...I think things happen for a reason. That aside, what if I was footloose, fancy free and looking for my soulmate. What would be the best way to approach the LDD question? Before you propose? The first time you engage in sexual relations? Your wedding night? Hmmm...ponder, ponder, ponder. Is there a good time?

In thinking about all of this, I recalled how Kim brought it up with me. She acted shy and embarrassed. She didn't want me to think that she was a freak, which I didn't. However, two and a half years ago, I was a very different person than I am today. Back then I couldn't picture it within myself, now I'm growing quite comfortable with it...thank God.

So, in this pretend 'new' romance, how would I bring up the issue?

I know, "Hey honey, I'm off to work. Please make sure that you dust the house today. If you don't, I'm going to spank you tonight when I get home." In that scenario, I picture coming home and finding all my things on the sidewalk with a business card for a good attorney attached.

Or maybe in the middle of an intimate moment, you give a little whack on her behind just to see what her reaction would be. Yeah, that's the way to go about introducing LDD into a relationship. On second thought, nope...I feel a few nights on the couch coming on, along with a full-force slap across the face.

I've come up with other scenarios in my mind, all of which seem inadequate and fall short. I guess the answer to Kim's original question is no. I can't picture myself in a LDD relationship with someone else. Not so much because of the awkwardness of bringing it up with this pretend someone, but because if you are meant to be in a relationship such as LDD, you'll both know when the time is right. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

So, if anyone reads this that is considering, newly starting or contemplating a LDD relationship consider it a gift. A gift not only from the person you love, but a gift from the one that loves us all...God almighty. That's the way I look at it anyway.

Now, I've got to talk to Kim about those "difficult" questions she occasionally asks me. Hmmm...what would be the best way to bring that up with her??? Wait, I know...lap for one, no

Thursday, February 22, 2007

The million dollar question

Kim asked the question a few days ago, "Why LDD?"

I pondered the question within myself for a couple of days. I thought about my childhood, things I had been exposed to in my life and could not come up with one reason or answer as to why all of it makes sense to me. I, like Kim, did not grow up with a strong father figure...both my dad and stepdad were both violent, mean men. For that reason, I could never picture myself imposing a spanking on someone, especially the woman I love with all my heart.

Obviously, I love the connection it has brought between Kim and me, but WHY does it fit for us??? How can two stubborn people like Kim and I exist together, be happily married, totally devoted to each other and still engage in something as raw and primitive (I mean that in a good way) as spanking sessions? Why is that my loving wife wants me to instruct her? What is it about all of this that is so compelling for us?

Being so new at this, it took me some time to formulate the answers to those questions...but I think I know.

First, it has built a trust between us that never existed between us before starting our LDD relationship. The kind of trust that says I can put my heart in this persons hand and know it is safe, without question.

Secondly, LDD has given me an extra added element of leadership that I did not know I had. I have been in management for several years now in my career, and considered myself a pretty good leader. LDD has taught me a quiet assertivness that did not exist before, without being a jerk. This makes it much easier for me to guide and direct those that I work with. Obviously, this factor is not as important as how I lead at home...but it is an advantage that I did not expect.

Third, Kim looks at me with such a deep look of love in her eyes that it is almost overwhelming to me at times. LDD has allowed both of us to open up to each other in ways that we were never able to do when we first met, or through the first two and a half years we've been together. Our love for each other will only get stronger as we pursue and explore all of the avenues together.

Finally, when it comes down to times when I spank her...especially those times when that "edge" gets closer and closer, and we are in total sync with each...feeling each other emotionally, spiritually and physically...there are no words to describe it. Kim looks at me with gratitude, appreciation and unconditional love in her eyes for me after her spanking is complete. I can imagine no greater gift. Plus, I know that I have helped my woman rid her soul of ill-feelings from a bad day, helped her get past any moodiness and opened her further to a larger world for both of us.

I know I have painted a very rosy picture here...most of the time it is THAT good. However, we both know that it won't always be that way. There will be times when my timing will be off. There will be times when after being spanked, she will rage towards me. We are still new at this, and we are learning...but, the ultimate destination is worth the potential bumps that will come along.

I know none of this will be considered reinventing the wheel. I guess, I wanted to put into written word what all of it means to me, being new at it and all. Kim has such a clearer perspective of things than I do sometimes, so I wanted to get all of this in before (I'm kidding sweetheart :))

A special thanks to the several people that have added me as a link to their LDD sites. It is always nice to get different perspectives on LDD.

Monday, February 19, 2007


If you are a regular reader of my wife Kim's blog, then you already know who I am. I decided today, through unspoken inspiration from Kim, to start this blog. However, let me say for the record that Kim is the writer of the family, not me. So, forgive me for the terrible punctuation, the run-on sentences and the dangling participles, whatever those are.

If you have been reading Kim's blog, you know that we have only recently embarked on our LDD journey, but we have come a long way in a short time. We have taken things slow, step-by-step, studied, discussed and reviewed with each other. WOW, what a concept...a married couple actually communicating about a common goal.

I'm hardly the person to be dispensing advice. I can only tell you fellow HOH's that there is no better feeling than knowing that you are being exactly the man your wife needs you to be. Kim and I have been together for almost three years now, but after embarking on our LDD journey, finding success with it and making each other happier than we've ever been, it was as if we had discovered each other all over again. It was like shaking hands and saying, "I've always loved you, it's nice to finally meet you."

Kim has written on a few occasions about how much she adores me. She's a forgiving audience, and she is also very patient with me. I have a tendency to over-examine things, over-analyze and question things to death. I've learned quickly that I have to trust myself and my instincts for this to work. It's through this experience that I have drawn and built confidence in myself to be firm with Kim with LDD. The look of love in her eyes tells me that I did everything right. The truth is that I adore her more than I can explain in words.

The one thing about me is that I am, at heart, pretty sensitive. I have no desire to hurt, degrade, bully or disgrace Kim. She is the love of my life, my soul is more alive today because of her. All I want to do for her when it comes to LDD is help her lose her pent up emotions, while making her feel secure and protected. Most of all, I want her to surrender to me, making the connection we have even deeper. Confidence is the key for me. Whether it's asking Kim to do some household chore, or directing her to the bedroom to await my hand on her bottom...I have to be steadfast in relaying my expectations and/or intentions with confidence.

There is a country song from a few years back. I want to quote the chorus to sum this up...enjoy.


Thank you my Kimberly...I love you with every bit of heart and soul.