Following through...and the reasons why.

Kim explained in her last entry what happened when she questioned my committment to our newfound LDD relationship, and the eventual outcome. But I want to explain my side as HOH, and my decision making process about the night it all happened.

While Kim and I are not unique to DD, we are somewhat unique in how we came to the decision to pursue this lifestyle, so the line we walk may a little different than others. Let me explain a little further.

It is important to remember that not only are we fairly new to LDD, we are also just getting back together as a couple too. Kim says that during our two months apart, God found his way inside me, or I found God...or both. If God is inside me now, I hope he's having a good time...lol. But, I digress.

During that two months apart, I hit rock bottom. I had a 24 hour period where everything bad in me came out, in a good way. It was one of those defining moments in life that you wish had happened sooner. After that day, I became much more tolerant, more understanding and much, much less tempermental.

I used to deal with things knee jerk and off the cuff. It was easier back then to get mad and make a fool of myself by throwing a tempter tantrum. Now though, I am here on the other side of those fires a wiser, more considerate man. Two qualities that are essential for a HOH in a LDD relationship, if I understand everything that I have studied thus far. Which brings me to night that Kim wrote about in her last entry.

As Kim wrote, we had a nice evening together. Kim fixed a nice dinner while I worked on a big project concerning my job, we laughed, joked and flirted with each other which culmanated into an evening of mind-blowing love making. It was indeed a good evening...one of the best we had had up to that day since getting back together. But, things can turn on a dime.

As we were getting ready to go to sleep, Kim suddenly started to question my committment to our LDD relationship. It was a question that took me by surprise. We had come so far in such a short time, I didn't know exactly how to deal with it. Plus, I could tell that Kim's question was coming from shall we say a "hormonal place." Moreover, and not to make Kim feel bad, the way she posed the question hurt me to my soul and brought to tears to my eyes. It wasn't the fact that she asked the question, it was the WAY she asked it. We had both worked so hard for each other, how could this be happening? Immediately, I started to rewind everything in my head and tried to think about anything that I had done wrong to make her ask the question in the first place. I couldn't think of anything, which left me even more frustrated. But, as with many things in life, this required what I call the 24 hour rule. Think about it, sleep on it, think about it some more...then act. The way things were before, I was not going to have a knee jerk reaction and make things worse. Instead, I resolved to get a good nights sleep and think about things with a clearer mind the next day.

Kim did apologize twice after making the statement. Once before going to sleep that night, and then again when we were chatting on the internet while I was at work the next day. However, I woke up with the resolution that I could not just let this pass. I wasn't upset so much by the fact that Kim had asked the question...I was more upset by HOW she asked it. I kissed Kim on the forehead as she slept and left for work, knowing full well what I had to do...no, what I NEEDED to do.

My intention to spank Kim at some point that day was not so much to show my committment to our LDD relationship, or to prove myself to Kim. THAT SPANKING WAS FOR ME TOO. But, before spanking her, I had to prove to myself that I had come that far. Far enough that I could be a strong, but fair HOH and take all elements of the issue into consideration. In other words, I had to find out if I could deal with this as the HOH and not as the old Steve. The Steve that would throw things, say awful things and alienate Kim to the point where we wouldn't talk to each other the next day...the way things used to be. He was a little man...not HOH material.

Yes, Kim did question my committment. Yes, it did upset me. Most importantly though, things happen for a reason. I passed a huge test. Not so much because I followed through with spanking Kim, but my restraint and giving myself time to think about things validated me as a HOH, not as much with Kim as it did with ME. Thankfully, it ended up doing both though.

Now, Kim doesn't question me and I don't question myself. Things indeed happen for a reason. From a personal standpoint, I crossed a threshhold in my life...one of many in the past few months. Here are the bullet points that I have taken from everything...

I believe that something divine happened. Kim questioned my committment in a way that upset me and challenged me as HOH.

I took the time I needed to weigh things and think about all of it, and resolved things for BOTH of us by following through.

I took a huge step, not only as HOH, but as a man and a considerate human being.

If Kim is right, and God is inside me now...he helped guide me through all of it. He does, indeed, work in mysterious ways.